Thoughts From A Butterfly

First of all I want to apologize for my lack of updating this site. This past year has been a whirlwind of astronomical proportions. I had been working for a filmmaker on a 3D movie and then all of a sudden I was unplugged when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The news suckerpunched us both and I have spent most of the last few months going through a reboot of sorts.

To say that this is difficult is an understatement. Have your soulmate, lover and best friend fight a terminal disease is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. The range of emotions you face while dealing with information, doctor apointments, surgeries, overewhelming amounts of information, benefit changes, filing for short/long term disability as well as seeking out social security has been like boxing something that wasn’t there. But even more than that, facing the possibility of losing one that you love is only the beginning. There are times that depression and dispair hits you so hard that you don’t know which way is up. And I’m not even the one that is sick.

When all of this happened I took this burdon on my back that was so intense I physically started hunching over as if I was bearing a load. Even my chiropractor had mentioned that I need to release some of the burden. But the truth is, if I don’t do something who will? After finally letting go of some steam with a good cry I had sat my husband down and helped him understand that he needs to make his health his number one priority while being off. Because I have to consider what comes next for this family. This includes finding work that will continue my benefits as well as his so we don’t have to worry about the cost of chemotherapy falling onto our shoulders. So much to consider and, to be honest, I’m aching to get back to a regular routine.

The biggest issue as of late has been my faith. My husband follows the Hebrew Roots of his faith in Christ. Though I have studied along side of him, I did not feel the need to completely release the traditions I had been brought up with in the church with the exception of going to a physical church building. I’ve done church online or with friends and my husband has had the Torah group that he has been part of for the past year. They have been wonderful and so incredibly supportive of what we are going through. However, there are traditions in my past that I am not ready to give up because of the close connection they have in my heart. “Train up a child in which way they must go and they will not depart from it.” I was raise in the church and it’s still very dear to my heart. Even my name “Rebecca Christine” means “Bound to Christ”. The name “Christ” is a greek based name given to Jesus and therefore my ways are more “gentile” than anything else. So when our family, a few years back, decided to celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas it felt rather strange to me. But part of me greatly missed it. And this year I really needed to focus on the cheer of Christmas and so I secretly wanted to connect to that part of my wonderful childhood.

But most of all, I’ve missed a relationship with Christ. I know that seems crazy considering I had spent the past year every day in prayer for at least an hour. But this tribulation I am going through has made Him feel distant and surreal. Not like the time that I felt Him so close. There are periods of time that I think I feel Him, but nothing like before. And I honestly need that back. I need to be 100% sure of His voice as these times and days go darker. I need to be sure of where He wants me to go next. I need Him to calm to storm and my fears and tune my ear to Him more. I need my first love returned for Him.

And that is where I am right now. It’s like my foot has been asleep as of late and it’s time for me to wake up and truly live. But right now my footing is unsure as the nerves start to reconnect and blood returns to the muscles and bones.

Abba, please hear my cry. Please answer the prayers of my heart. Please return Your love to me. You have called m into the wilderness, please speak words of comfort and remove the names of Baal from my mouth. Restore my vineyards and let me sing the songs of my youth. AMEN!

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