Today I was asked one of the most difficult questions of my life. What do I want. At the time I was asked, it would have been easier for me to ponder the square root of pie divided by the equation of mass-energy equivalence than to answer that simple question. Was it truly because I didn’t know? Or was it because letting my heart connect with my lips would somehow bring definition and tangability to what I had always deemed undefinable and without form. Would it bring back the times of ache that I begged God to take away my talents as I sat there dying at the desk of a corporate job because being “normal” was supposed to feel right. Only to be drawn to the office window as the creativity of God was calling my name and preparing me for the change even years before.

When I was younger. I used to dream, create, imagine, write, act, sing, dance and perform. I would spend days in a good book being someone else and learning life lessons along side of them. I would sit down at the keyboard and write songs that would touch even the heaviest of hearts, including my own. I would go on stage, no fear, and feel the thrill of God’s creative freedom flow through me. I would spend hours listening to music and allowing the emotions of the song carry me to different places, being different people. I used to pretend I was a choreographer, a director an actress, a victim and a heroine all within the same five minutes. I wanted to create music videos that would tell the story of the song and drive it home even further. I would watch a movie and see the hidden meanings embedded within the stories - whether of the world or of God. I would daydream about various important people that would somehow see my talent and believe in what was inside.

And then there was darkness for a time as I layed down those dreams and pursued acceptance of man. Depression. Anger. Fear. Frustration. I bottomed out.

Then God started to speak to me. He would talk to me in dreams. I would see pictures that corresponded with certain spiritual meanings like modern parables. I had divine, life changing experiences. Jesus met me face to face. He delivered me from so many evil, dark desires. Angels visited me, and I ran from them in fear. I found I had a prophetic seers gift. I had words of encouragement for people. I saw pictures that meant something to them. After giving my life to Him, I found I had a capacity to love when I allowed the one was LOVE deep inside of me. I wanted to combine my love for Him and the arts in some way. I went through hardships that got me closer to God and was blessed with an incredible husband and two talented children.

And then, in the midst of daily life, I lost my way again.

I don’t remember walking off of the path. But I started “acting” life out. My daily routine was a performance. My talents fell to the wayside, my prophetic dreams, my gifts, my creativity. It all diminished for a time. That’s when I started wanting to help make others dreams come true because I had lost mine. I started feeling guilty that I even had dreams in a world where so many people are focused on their dreams. I felt that self denial was the same as holiness. But it only made me focus on me more.

I don’t want to sit behind a desk and trade my creativity for the false security of a paycheck. I don’t want to sit there and dream my life away. I don’t want to ignore what the Lord is SCREAMING out to the world as He is coming soon. I don’t want to be bound by my own fear. I don’t want to be afraid of the responsibility of the calling of my life.

I want to be the person that He created me to be. I want to get out of the way. I want to break through and not be hindered by my own boundaries. I want to feel His strength and power again on a daily basis. I want to create things that touch others as much as things that have touched me. I want to see Him reach through me and touch the lives of those around me. I want to be able to express the pictures that will speak His word to His people, calling them home. I want to hear His voice again on a daily basis. I want to know Him like Moses and love Him like David. I want to please Him because He is my beloved. I want to hear “Well done good and faithful servant”.

I don’t think that I can truly say exactly what I want to do yet…but I’m getting closer and this is just the start of chasing the lion that has chased me for years.

Selah